The No-No Question

2 Jan

“Hoovs, are you seeing anyone special?”

This is a question that is solely asked by married friends and it royally aggravates me.  This post might seem like I am rambling (and I will be rambling a bit) so bear with me .

First off… if you feel you have a right to even ask that question don’t you feel that I would volunteer this type of information with you if I was dating someone? Ask me about my love life and I can share stories. Maybe you want to hear them, maybe they remind you of  the “good times”, maybe you would like to live vicariously through me.
But do not ask me if there is anyone special in my life.

And btw,  I am seeing lots of special people – they are called friends.

Being in a relationship is not just up to me. It takes two.  Maybe I do want to be in one but until I find someone that I want to be in a relationship with, I will stay “single”. And I hate the word “single”. I am not single – I am just not in a man+woman relationship.  I love others and am loved in return.  So no, I am not single.

why is this always the question married folks like to ask single friends? I have way more going on in my life than just dating thankyouverymuch. I do not sit at home on the couch curled up in a ball because I am not in a relationship with a man.

Married people have this assumption that I want what they have.   Most of the time, I have absolutely no desire to have what they have.  Ideally  I want a partner for life and I want to raise a family but I have no desire to model my life/relationships after yours. Married friends tend to forget how often they complain about their married lives to us single folks – and trust me, you are scarring me.  We do not need to bond over the issues in your marriage – you dont have to make me feel “better” that i do not have to deal with the same problems since i am not married.

and i feel that the question ” are you involved” is really much deeper. It feels like married folks cannot comprehend single life and the idea that we can be happy without the bonds of marriage.  That we can be “involved” with others when we do not subscribe to the notion that you can only truly be happy and feel fulfilled as a wife/husband/mother/father.

I am happy and I have love in my life.

So the next time you want to catch up with me… ask me about my life and even my love life. Just do not ask me if I am seeing anyone “special” because if you do…  I cannot promise that I wont ask you a very personal and uncomfortable question in return.


8 Responses to “The No-No Question”

  1. Tzahi Efrati January 2, 2010 at 4:14 pm #

    I believe it’s simple human psychology 1:1.
    Every group of people with common intrests want to recruit more people so they won’t feel alone or worst – frayers!
    Most of the people asking this question either ask because they want you to join them or ask from a false impression of arrogance over their relationship-free friends.
    Trouble is, they won’t stop with this question. Next will come the marriage question followed by the kids question and then the 2nd, 3rd and so on.
    Still, I believe that some of those asking you are truly interested with you and your life and wants to know what’s new with you. It’s now different from asking how’s work or how’s your family.

  2. Jack January 2, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    I understand. People used to ask me the same thing. After I got married it was when are the kids coming. And now they keep asking if I am interested in more kids.

    It all depends on who is asking. Some people ask those questions in the same manner as they ask, “how are you?” They don’t really want to know, they just throw it out there.

    It feels like married folks cannot comprehend single life and the idea that we can be happy without the bonds of marriage.

    FWIW, I haven’t any issue with this whatsoever. From my perspective the sole advantage I have is that I haven’t got to worry about having kids.

    And while I think that there is nothing better than being a parent I don’t think it is for everybody. I have a number of friends who have chosen not to have them and are perfectly happy.

    • israluv January 2, 2010 at 7:47 pm #

      people tend to ask personal questions b/c they lack creativity to ask other questions that just take a bit more thought to formulate. this is the easy question a married friend can ask a single friend.

      but it can be a very painful question depending on the audience.

      (and ps… and you can have kids w/o the bonds of marriage 🙂

      • Mark January 3, 2010 at 1:49 am #

        Spot on! It is probably primarily due to lack of creativity.

        Another egregious example of a bad first question due to lack of creativity is “What do you do?”. Why would that ever be a valid question to ask someone when you first meet them?

  3. Oy Va Goy January 6, 2010 at 4:24 pm #

    Nice post. And I know just what you mean!

  4. Channah January 14, 2010 at 2:18 am #

    Why did you go to wordpress?

  5. eliesheva April 4, 2010 at 6:53 am #

    for what it’s worth, I totally hear your rant even if I’m not on ‘that’ side of it. I just never understood what would make people ask really personal questions like that.

  6. loveaddict December 16, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

    Love this! Thank you so much for sharing. Maybe you should think about blogging about this missy!

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